Does Marriage have to be such a big deal?

She is educated, loaded, beautiful and in her thirties but is single and you are thinking God what the hell is wrong with her? So, who says to be a complete human being one has to be married, huh? And is marriage such a big deal anyway? But this single lady is watching movies like ‘why did I get married’, and is thinking to her single self, maybe marriage isn’t worth the hype after all.

                                     

Blame this stereotyping on society because unless you are planning on becoming a Catholic priest or nun, you are expected to get married at least some day. And that day has to come when you are in a certain age bracket after which you will be looked at as an alien if you are unmarried.  By the way nobody cares if you marry for a few years and divorce – it is better than never trying at all – they say. While appearing on Piers Morgan’s show in 2011, world renowned show host Oprah Winfrey said: “I am not getting married.” “I am not the marrying kind.” She talked about how she was still a happily single woman despite dating her partner Graham Steadman for 26 years, huh. But most people will most definitely say if a woman has reached the marrying age and is saying she wants to stay single, then most probably she is undesirable. Some say no woman chooses to be single, they just find themselves in that situation and they devise means of living by it. And I say shame; some ladies have chosen to stay single even with a million suitors at their feet.

While at university most girls are always under pressure to get hooked to a partner who will most probably become their husband – or so they assume. This pressure sometimes results into panic if the partner doesn’t show up since life after campus without a man is considered doom. After university, it is presumed; they will get a job and money, add a few kilograms of weight to their figure and eventually look old and unattractive. That explains why most girls marry immediately after university.

And because of this there has been a breed of unhappy married women who want to have the best of both worlds – single and free and be married too! So do you wonder why the separation levels are getting higher by the year? But for others the right time is after they have ventured into the single life fully and at least earned a salary and enjoyed it on their own without cares of children and family. Some even want to earn a master’s degree since studying with family responsibilities is a challenge on its own.

It is those that receive strong resistance from society including their parents about getting married. But I say, marry when you want because being single is fun. Well, at least you don’t have to give up your freedom in bed to someone else. You can roll from end to end freely and how relieving that is after a hectic day. And do need I say that you only worry about your own hunger not for another grown up, yeah! And those crazy night outs, you can party till you drop knowing you don’t have to go to court the following day!

Perhaps what most people forget is that marriage doesn’t guarantee happiness. Maybe that is why they think when single one cannot be truly happy. Unlike being single, your marriage partner is supposed to stick with you for a lifetime. It’s a commitment which you shouldn’t undertake when you don’t feel the need. Of course there are some lows to singlehood just like any other life choices. Many at times when faced with a challenge like climbing those tables to hang a bulb, the single girl will wish there was a man to do that for her. It is obvious that certain things were designed for men and security in a home is one of them. On those lonely nights when thieves come close to breaking into your house, you will wish there was a male voice behind those walls, it would scare them away. And of course you need the man to kill the cockroaches and rats or a snake if ever it entered the house.

When is the right time?

When all is said and done, is there anything like the right time for marriage? Well, I say there is no specific right time designated for marriage.

The right time is when someone is psychologically ready for that life. Marriage is a personal choice which one should make when they feel ready physically and emotionally. You can grow in age but when you still have be out till late in the night without being questioned, then hell no you are not ready for marriage. So instead of making some people miserable – husband and children – stay single. Marriage is for a lifetime. It is not like a business which you can start today and tomorrow when you lose interest or it’s not profitable like you thought; you close shop and move on to another. Forget about the stereotyping about biological clock ticking and wait until you feel ready. Marriage is not only about children!

Next time you are being questioned about why you are single, tell them it’s your life and you choose to do whatever you feel like with it. Tell them about the other achievements you have which you are sure you wouldn’t have if you were married. That is you have chosen to be single and are enjoying it. All in all marriage becomes a big deal when one deems so.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with people who choose celibacy and should therefore not be looked at as aliens and immoral girls out to devour people’s husbands. Leave them to dance to Beyonce’s ‘Single ladies’ in peace!

The case of the in laws: do they bring love or evil to marriages

Hate them or love them but in laws are a part of every married person’s life! The lucky ones say they are the best things that have happened to them while the not so lucky curse the day they came into their life. But one thing remains constant - living with in-laws comes with tension! But must they always be that menace that every couple dreads? Several not so good tales have been said about encounters with in laws. My friend one night came home to one of his wife’s sister’s nakedness – legs apart - on the sitting room couch. The wife no doubt had already slept off oblivious of her sister’s mischief. And what did he man do I am sure is the question everyone is dying to ask. Well, he walked past her, woke his wife up and asked her to go to the living room and tell her sister to go to bed. After that incident, she was asked to leave the house.

Picture this: Your mother-in-law is in the evening of her life, weary and cannot manage living alone anymore. Well, her condition might not be too bad as to cause alarm, but your husband is her son so it is enough to worry him especially because she lives a bit far from you and you can’t do constant monitoring. So your husband keeps making sympathetic comments about her and hints on her moving in but you are not giving any straight answer, why, because you are worried to bits. Now, you are thinking – God how do I live with my mother-in-law?

Most women (married) will reveal that they love their mother-in-laws but will also state that they dread them for being bossy sometimes. Some never want them in their homes because they order them to make changes as they wish in their homes. How to take good care of their children (grandchildren), how to take care of their hubby’s (son), how to cook their son’s favourite food the list goes on. A story is told of a mother-in-law who after accusing her daughter-in-law of starving the child fed him to his death. She forced the child to drink porridge using her palm and instead of the throat the porridge was making its way into the windpipe. The kid died!

One mother who prefers anonymity laments: “I love my mother-in-law, problem is, that she is unnecessarily bossy at times.  When we are at her house, she feeds the kids till they are too full and then she insists they eat more. Then eventually they suffer indigestion.” 

But it is not just the mother-in-law that can be a headache. Even those little brats — your sisters/brothers-in-law — who might still be in secondary school and much younger than you or are even under your care - can be too stressing. After all you are their brother’s wife, so what the hell. 

Suzan, an accountant who stays at her elder brother’s home has a different story to tell. She says her experience has taught her not to intervene in a couple’s affairs in order not to be misinterpreted by her sister-in-law. She only does when the two request her opinion, otherwise she says, you end up becoming the bad one when you didn’t have any ill-intentions at all. Because of this, she says she has stayed with her sister-in-law for five years without much of a hustle. “I respect my sister-in-law and she respects me as her husband’s sister. Though we are not so much of friends, we at least get along.”

How to tame them

When you find yourself in a situation where you have to live with your in-laws, it is not healthy to interfere in the issues concerning the home that is now your host. They say silence is golden and indeed it is when it comes to taming your in-laws. Do not try to interfere in their affairs as they will most likely call that familiarity. When you are angered show love but do not give them the opportunity to keep angering you. Show your worth too, because that marriage started in their presence, if they deserved your position, they should have been in it.

Verdict

A man or woman marries one person from a family and not the whole clan and a relationship is for two people who actually become one after the formal marriage ceremony. Christians believe that there is no room for a third party in a marriage. The Bible is particularly clear on this - that a man shall leave his father’s home and join a woman and together they will become one. It is therefore not erroneous for you to stand up for your partner in case of in-law issues.

It’s also important to note that people get married when they are adults meaning they can stand on their own. It is okay to seek help, say temporary accommodation if you want to seek medical attention at a clinic nearby, or on a short vacation, but in-laws should otherwise try by all means to keep away from a couple’s home. In other words let the couple be; solve their own problems, learn how to run their own home, raise their own children and manage their finances. If your advice is needed, they will approach you. Don’t start making decisions for the couple or woman or man – it’s sacrilegious. Some in-laws even stress couples about the number of children they should bear as if they will also be involved in the financial responsibilities. Thus when in-laws are welcomed into a couple’s home, they should know that the couple is the head of the house (man or woman alike) and deserve respect.

I also agree that some couples are not entirely exonerated in this issue. They bring this in-law menace upon themselves because they refuse to let go of family after marriage. Many feel that their parents have every right to get involved in their relationship and even stay with them. They argue that because parents have seen them since childhood, they should still be part of their married life. And so some partners impose family on their spouses – this is disastrous! Some guys are even said to ‘chuck’ girlfriends because they couldn’t measure up to their parents’ or siblings standards, how absurd! Grow up and start being the man or woman you should be.

Is it Men’s Inferiority complex, or are career women impossible to deal with

Way back in my primary school we were taught that father is the head of the family. Our teachers were right because those were the days no doubt the father was the head of his family. He, after all, brought home the bread and dictated what the family would eat. But with the emergence of the so-called empowered woman, however, those days are long gone. As it is, in the contemporary world, you would fail the exam if you said that the man is the head of the family, because, truth be told, nowadays, this is no longer Gospel truth, so many amendments have been made to it.
Gone are the days when the path to marriage was pretty straight forward. We had a man who after years of “sampling” the available options on the market  would identify someone’s daughter whom he felt was wife material, court her or date her (in today’s language) for a while, then marry her. He would in most cases be more educated than the woman and, most importantly, earning more. Preferably, the woman would still be job hunting, which meant that she would have to rely on him for everything. This, most men will attest, did something for their most valuable trait - ego. It made them feel capable, invincible even, and instilled a sense of being in control – and how intoxicating! 

But with the Feminist movement kicking in, more girls were educated and now we have the wave of the career woman sweeping across the world. These women are successful financially, have attended some of the best graduate schools and universities in the world and pose a great challenge to the men. Rushing out of home to beat office time, full diary of appointments, boardroom meetings has become part and parcel of their lives. But with every good thing comes a price and their price has been resistance from men (husbands). But does success make them impossible or the men are insecure that their position of being the sole provider facing competition. 

Redundant
Come to think of it. Many women are now footing bills in their households? Don’t be deceived that men do not exist in these homes where women do the talking – they do. Problem is, they have been rendered redundant by their wives who have usurped the man’s traditional role as the head of the family because of one simple reason – they too earn highly. This kind of wife will pay rent, school fees and buy food. As a result, the man no longer has a voice. How can he when he contributes nothing, and if he does, his contribution is a drop in the sea compared to that of his wife? A married female friend of mine one time told me she is going to buy windows and doors for their house which was under construction then. Her reason was that one day when her husband turns against her, she will remove all the windows and doors after all it is her money. Originally a family’s shelter was absolutely the man’s responsibility. And how many men feel proud about this – none!
Some people claim that most marriages that are currently having hiccups and turmoil are because of this transformation of the woman something that has torn apart the fabric that holds marriage together. Financial issues are the main source of conflict in a whole lot of them. The emerging trend, where more women are beginning to cash bigger pay cheques than their husbands, has become an explosive ready to shutter many marriages. 

And the married woman is not the only one whose stakes have changed. There is the single independent woman who is even more empowered than her married counterpart. She is very well educated, most probably she has a master’s degree and is contemplating enrolling for her PhD. She has a good job, an enviable one that pays well or drives one of those posh cars that turn heads. She might have bought her own house or is in the process of buying one or better still lives in an affluent neighbourhood. Everything about her, from her manicured nails to her stilettos screams successful. She’s got the brains and, to crown it all, she is attractive and good to look at. 

This lady will tell you bluntly that she is not where she is today by chance; she worked hard to get there. And because of this, she expects nothing short of the best, especially from the men she dates. So all you mediocres keep your distance as this will not work for her. But unfortunately for her, her success is also her biggest misfortune. Reason: success in women seems to repulse men! Men have always been intimidated by successful women. Irrespective of which part of the world they come from, men have always been wary of successful women because they make them feel somehow inadequate. There is no law against attraction, so men may be attracted to such women but they tend to admire them from afar. 

At the back of the men’s minds is the conclusion that these women already have everything; what then would they have to offer? Actually they tend to think they too can get everything including a man and sex by themselves if they wanted. Due to this, most of these ladies find themselves alone and lonely, and you will sometimes find some seeking the company of younger men, who are just after fun and have no fears of detoothing a woman. But is it really that impossible for a successful woman to get married or have a healthy marriage? Susan Twine, a consultant in Kigali doesn’t think so. She says impossible women choose to behave so. “It’s a woman’s choice to either be manageable or impossible. It’s a choice some women make.” She adds that some men however have inferiority complex and do not want women to be more successful than them.

When all is said and done, it is important to note that some men out there are comfortably married to successful career women. And they are themselves successful something that is a key ingredient in relationships because just like marriages they are more likely to be successful if there is a meeting of minds.

Breaking Camp

 ^“Break camp and advance into the hill country of the Amorites….  See, I have given you this land. Go in and take possession of the land the Lord swore he would give to your fathers—to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob—and to their descendants after them,” Deut 1:7-8.   Just this morning I found myself thinking about how it is mid April 2013 already and I remembered when at the start of the year I resigned my job to take on a new adventure.  The thought somehow led me to this biblical verse when the Israelites were told to move on and take possession of the new land.

Taking possession of a new land was no ordinary decision to me considering it involved relocating into another country where I would find new people and whole lot new experiences. And I would travel amidst mixed feelings to this new town. The fear of the unknown, the anxiety about the choice I had made all crowded my mind and had I been fainthearted I would have changed my mind. Little did I know that that place would finally become my home and for three months running I am happily getting acquainted.  And like the Isrealites moved on casting their fears aside, I chose to move on.  And I have learned many a lesson the main one being: That change is not for the fainthearted; in fact whoever embraces change should consider themselves stronger than Badanga(were we not told that he was the strongest man in Singapore). Whether it is a job, marital status, political, city or country, change is necessary because in the end - like one of my Secondary school teachers used to say - if you don’t change, change will change you!  But we all know way leads on to way, and whatever happens, I hope I will be telling the story to my son and his children that one day I made a choice and that made all the difference in my life.

Cheers,

Pen Ninah